i feel as if my throat is ripping itself apart, killing itself. i feel like it is disintegrating. i ask people sometimes about it. they say, "you just being paranoid. paranoid brandon. ha ha ha." or "you are a healthy young man, you are not dying."
the truth is, everyone is dying. dying is not something that exists on a plane opposite of life. in fact, death lies on the same plane as life, starting at birth and running inversely to life as time goes on. i read that in a book once.
i don't want to be so acutely aware of my progressive death, though. it, quite simply, puts a very large damper on everything i do. i am trying to come to grips with it, but the hard thing about feeling like one is living in nothing more than a countdown to death (that is, life 0 percent death 100 percent on the life/death plane) (people sometimes die on airplanes, isn't that a funny coincidence) (ha ha ha) is feeling like i have to prove myself while i am slowly losing that time.
if i don't think of it, does it go away? well, no of course. though i try to forget that my throat feels bad every day from the time i wake up...
never mind. this feels stupid. i need a drink of water.
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prove what? and to whom? that you're worthy of living, to the collective world at large? i feel sort of the same sometimes but i remember to just enjoy living, like that makes me worth the life given to me. and i don't know, but smoking hurts my throat over time, maybe some cold turkey might help? i don't know.
ReplyDeletehey lou
ReplyDeletethat is the question isn't it: "prove what? and to whom?" i would say that at the time i was largely a guilty person and felt as if i had to do something to validate my own existence. i am pretty sure i don't feel that way anymore however, and that i am enjoying myself. it is pretty nice.