today i spent the day listening to a large number of people being happy in just the next room, feeling slightly exhausted and bitter but ultimately too tired to care.
the city wears me out. it is overwhelming, overstimulating, terrifying. it is scary to be walking down a street you know and recognize and then the next step, the next second, you are lost. this sort of thing makes me run my tongue against my teeth.
i feel around my mouth for anything that feels different. there are spots in my teeth that feel sharp, like wolves teeth. there are places in my mouth that pinch out and become sore sometimes. my jaw hurts in two specific places, presumably as a result of doing this. my ear pops when i chew. the skin of my gums near my bottom and top two front teeth is raw. i am tired of feeling as if my mouth is foreign to me. it doesn't make any sense.
because of my paranoia, i notice things about myself that i never have before. i don't think dying in and of itself is a scary thing. i just want it to be on my terms.
i am sorry that i lied and said i got lost. i just didn't want to go.
writing this feels stupid. why does this feel so stupid?
right now it is raining. in the city. i wish i was less tired. i would like to be lost in the rain. but then again, i hate the feeling of feeling lost. i would only like to be a little lost, and i don't have any control over that.
here is something pretentious: walking around with alec on thursday, quietly, feeling like a third wheel (something that has happened a lot so far on this trip, though not necessarily a third wheel, just take the number of people in a place and call them wheels, add one unnecessary one, that is me) i decided to make the everyone theory, the theory that one's experience/consciousness/whatever other buzzword/et cetera cannot be limited to merely one's self, but is simultaneously spread out amongst and concentrated by the people that are experiencing the same things near and around you. it is kind of stupid. it doesn't even really make sense to me, yet, and i'm not sure if i'll ever really try to think it through to the end, it probably doesn't have a definitive end in any case and is probably just a stupid crackpot theory that is stereotypically, rightly so, assigned to tourette's havers and homeless people that have the time to devote to paranoid, irrational thought. in any case i will probably try to use it in my real book, provisionally titled The Ruins of How despite the fact that i haven't written a sentence of it yet.
also, i invented the olber's paradox or whatever.
all the lights are off. why are all the lights off?
here is something good: i am thinking more. thinking about lots of things, remembering things, imagining things that happened. i missed that. i find that i'm more steady when i do that, especially when i get to sleep. i've been dreaming too. good news.
tomorrow i will go into the city and buy many books, maybe a record. maybe i will go see mission to burma with alec. i am excited. hopefully i can sleep after sleeping all day and having coffee. i ate a cup full of vegetables. my stomach hurts all the time here. my ipod is charging.
today was a blank day.
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